"Expert" Advice from Saturday Night Live, on "Bad Trips"

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/76/76ocarter.phtml

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin Ask President Carter Walter Cronkite.....Bill MurrayMrs. Edward Horbath (on phone).....Jane CurtinPresident Jimmy Carter.....Dan AykroydDr. Midnight (on phone).....Garrett MorrisPeter (on phone).....Tom Davis
Announcer: And now, live from the White House, "Ask President Carter". Walter Cronkite: Good evening, and welcome to #10 of the CBS radio series "Ask President Carter", continuing an experiment in presidential communication with the American people. Mr. President, our first call this week comes Mrs. Edward Hobrath, or maybe it's Horbraithe?Mrs. Edward Horbath (on phone): [ echoing ] That's Horbath.Walter Cronkite: Mrs. Edward Horbath - excuse me - of Maple Trace, Kansas!President Jimmy Carter: Hello, Mrs. Horbath.Mrs. Edward Horbath (on phone): [ echoing ] Hello, Mr. President, how are you today?President Jimmy Carter: Very fine. Could you turn your radio down, please?Mrs. Edward Horbath (on phone): [ echoing ] Oh my.. yes..Walter Cronkite: Mrs. Horbath, do you have a question for the President?Mrs. Edward Horbath (on phone): Yes, sir. I'm an employee of the U.S. Postal Service in Kansas. Last year they installed an automated letter sorting system called the Marvex-3000, here in our branch..President Jimmy Carter: Yes.Mrs. Edward Horbath (on phone): ..but the system doesn't work too good. Letters keep getting clogged in the first-level sorting grid. Is there anything that can be done about this?President Jimmy Carter: Well, Mrs. Horbath, Vice-President Mondale and I were just talking about the Morvex-3000 this morning.. uh.. I do have a suggestion - you know the caliber poised on the first grid sliding armiture?Mrs. Edward Horbath (on phone): Yes.President Jimmy Carter: Okay, there's a three-digit setting there, where the post and the armiture meet. Now, when the system was installed, the angle of cross-slide was put at a maximum setting of 1.. if you reset it at the three-mark like it says in the assembly instructions, I think it will solve any clogging problems in the machine.Mrs. Edward Horbath (on phone): Oh, thanks, Mr. President! Oh, by the way, I think you're doing a great job!Walter Cronkite: Looks like you've been doing your homework, Mr. President. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that none of these calls are screened, that the people of America are talking directly with the President. Our next call comes from a man who calls himself Dr. Midnight.President Jimmy Carter: Hello, Dr. Midnight.Dr. Midnight (on phone): Is Rosalyn there! I really like her!Walter Cronkite: Alright, sir, thank you very much for calling..Dr. Midnight (on phone): Hey, Cronkite! You stupid motherfu..[ Carter jumps out of his chair to disconnect Dr. Midnight's call ]Walter Cronkite: Thank you, Mr. President, ha ha! Our next call is Peter Elkin of Westbrook, Oregan, whom I am told is 17 years of age.Peter (on phone): Hello? Hello?President Jimmy Carter: Yes. Hello, Peter?Peter (on phone): Is this the President?President Jimmy Carter: Yes, it is.Walter Cronkite: Do you have a question for the President?Peter (on phone): Uh.. I, uh.. I took some acid.. I'm afraid to leave my apartment, and I can't wear any clothes.. and the ceiling is dripping, and uh.. I, uh..Walter Cronkite: Well, thank you very much for calling, sir..President Jimmy Carter: Just a minute, Walter, this guy's in trouble. I think I better try to talk him down. Peter?Peter (on phone): Yeah..?President Jimmy Carter: Peter, what did the acid look like?Peter (on phone): They were these little orange pills. President Jimmy Carter: Were they barrel shaped?Peter (on phone): Uh.. yes. President Jimmy Carter: Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter. Peter (on phone): Very good of you to know that, sir. President Jimmy Carter: How long ago did you take it, Peter? Peter (on phone): Uh.. I don't know. I can't read my watch. President Jimmy Carter: Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You're very high right now. You will probably be that way for about five more hours. Try taking some vitamin B complex, vitamin C complex.. if you have a beer, go ahead and drink it..Peter (on phone): Okay..President Jimmy Carter: Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. You've just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside and listen to some music, Okay? Do you have any Allman Brothers?Peter (on phone): Yes, I do, sir. Everything is okay, huh Jimmy?President Jimmy Carter: It sure is, Peter. You know, I'm against drug use myself, but I'm not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, okay?Peter (on phone): Okay..!President Jimmy Carter: Okay.Walter Cronkite: Well, thank you, Mr. President. Our time is up for this week, but let me remind you that it is now time to buy your tickets for the first annual "I Slept At The White House" lottery, on sale at federal office buildings everywhere.President Jimmy Carter: I figure there's no harm in trying, Walt. The tickets are only a dollar, and maybe someone out there will win an all-expense paid trip to spend the night here with us in Washington. Good night!Walter Cronkite: Good night, thank you very much.